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Why So Serious? Right Now Doesn’t Mean Forever.

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Getting too caught up in casual relationships? Guilty. Picturing my current boo/crush/him as my husband and future son’s father? Also guilty. Acting like a wife before even being a girlfriend? Guilty as f*ck! And for what?! Let’s all just…relax. Relationships are as complicated as the people in them make them to be. I for one, complicate things in the blink of an eye and for no really good reason. I’m just quick to wrap myself up into someone. I love that new feeling, the rush, the dopamine that flows throughout my body and gives me butterflies. I start expecting serious commitments based off of MY feelings and for what? Every guy I date isn’t meant to be my husband. People always say “my next boyfriend will be my husband” why? Who said that’s how life has to work? What happened to fun, casual relationships? Who said good morning texts had to be mandatory? ESP if a title hasn’t even been established. How come two people can’t just enjoy each other’s company without all these rules? Some people are put in positions in your life, for the moment. Maybe you just got out of a sh*tty relationship and need to laugh again, boom. Maybe that’s all this is meant to be, that after-relationship fling. Maybe you just needed to laugh again and God sent you this person to remind you how to do that. It doesn’t always have to equal a happily ever after. And most of the time it won’t! So just enjoy it for what it is. Whoever you’re meant to be with in the end will be there and if not…idk just live your f*cking life. I don’t think I’ve met my husband yet, and if I did, I probably unknowingly friend-zoned him. Dammit. Ah well, pretty soon I’ll be famous enough to catch Drake’s eye and “have this moment for life…for life….for life.”

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How To Handle Her Hating A*s Homegirl

Wanna know something about women? We travel in packs. You ever wonder how a girl on worldstar gets in a fight and suddenly 50lem of her folks come out of nowhere to help? If you see one, the other usually isn’t far away. Now me, myself? I’m not one of those “come with me to the bathroom” chicks but if I’m with my girls, I’M WITH MY GIRLS. And we have signals when one of us isn’t feeling you or your friend. If we’re at the club dancing, we give the look. It’s usually a big-eyed “get him tf away from me!” expression and one of us will dance over and take her hand, leading her away from the weirdo and back to safety. If we’re on a double date, please believe we’re kicking each other under the table talking in morse code. Just know that, what’s between you and her, is between you, her and her girls. We tell each other TOO much. How the d*ck was, about that time you cried, which one of your friends we wish we would’ve talked to instead, how we’re plotting on your demise so we can “do us” again, all kinds of sh*t. A woman & her friends’ group chat messages are your worst enemy. THE FILTH INSIDE THOSE BUBBLES. But let’s say we have nothing but nice things to say about you and “Keisha & ‘nem” still can’t stand you… then what?

tumblr_msxw9bzfVp1qgspsyo1_500Hater #1: I-DON’T-HAVE-A-MAN-SO-YOU-CAN’T-EITHER.

This friend is the worst, she’s the epitome of misery loves company. She makes your girl feel guilty for wanting to spend time with you, she calls and texts constantly. She rolls her eyes at the sound of your ringtone. Her bark is bigger than her bite, all she wants is her own. Put her on with whatever home boy you know is gonna pipe her down and shut her up.

Hater #2: MY-MAN-IS-THIS-WHAT-DOES-TYRONE-DO-AGAIN?

She walks around as if she’s Kim Kardashian, and her man is Kanye West, and you two are Madea and Brown. In reality, Mr. West is none other than a dope boy turned fake “entrepreneur” who’s never really at the studio and buys her stuff to cover him cheating on her. Next time she asks you “what do you do again?” Reply with “come home to my girl.”

Hater #3: HE’S-NOT-EVEN-CUTE!

Chances are, she isn’t either and neither is her man. She’s just typically salty and could possibly be attracted to you but wants it to seem like you’re repulsive. Call her bluff,  and see if her eyes don’t light up with the mere mention of your meat. Then walk away.

Hater #4: HE-TRIED-TO-TALK-TO-ME-TOO.

L M A O. I don’t even acknowledge these kinds of friends. 9/10 she’s going to make it seem like SHE turned YOU down and you’re not sh*t, and if you aren’t then she’s right. However, it’s a small world, everyone’s tried to talk to everybody at this point. That’s what dating is. She’ll be the friend who’s the most upset when you propose to her friend. Why? Because she was wrong about you and now you’re making someone else happy.

Bottom line, if people aren’t talking about you, there’s something wrong. Her friends could genuinely be concerned because you either seem too good to be true or they legit know you’re no good. Either way, her girls are going to talk. And they’re going to dig, because they want to make sure you deserve to be with their friend. IF they’re her real friends.

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What’s In A Number; Does Age REALLY Matter?

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There are some women who will NOT even entertain men of a certain age, “He’s young, ugh.” Or “He’s too old, creepy.” I have a few younger guy friends who love older women and I have a few (very) girl friends who like younger guys. Me? I’m not so critical. I joke that I’m a cougar junior and that I would definitely “Mrs. Robinson” someone’s son or younger brother. I’ve found in dating that age really doesn’t matter at all. I remember being a freshman in high school, with a senior boyfriend. Kevin, I’ll never forget him. I was actually 12, I lied and said I was 13 which in reality WAS STILL F*CKING ILLEGAL but anyways, he was feeling me. He was already 17, we met in French. And my teacher wrote “Happy 13th birthday Jamariah!” on the board in French of course, December 5th 2002. I was MORTIFIED. I looked over at Kevin, with his cornrows and du-rag laying ever so gently across his neck and he gave me a “really? Really b*tch?” look. Lips tight and eyes low. I apologized for lying and we made up in his car after school. It was then I realized age didn’t f*cking matter if you were smooth enough and when he broke up with me after 7 months because I refused to give him my virginity, I also learned that older does NOT mean “more mature.” *Scoffs*

When I was younger, I loved “older” guys. I remember being 21 and seeing a 30 year old guy, even his name sounded grown as hell. “Wesley.”And he had a gray hair or two in his beard. And he was nasty, filthy. His tongue did things no 21 year old knew how to do. I was whipped for the first time. But he was emotionally unavailable, when I met him in the airport, he was flying out to bury his 6 year old son who had drowned. He was a f*cking wreck, a fine a*s wreck who had an eggplant in his pants that curved to the right. The younger guys I’ve dated were fun, I’m a big kid at heart and I love laughing, they were refreshing. The older guys who I expected to have their sh*t together, almost always didn’t. I met more 24 year olds with the financial stability of a 40 year old, and more 30 year old’s with xboxes and pizza boxes. (I’m 25 btw.) What I’m saying is, is that maturity is not defined by a number. When I was 13, I wrote an essay to my future self. Predicting that by 25 I would have a booming career, husband, two kids and a house. Then you turn 25 and realize how crazy you sounded. 25 was “old” to me, it took me my early twenties to realize how young I still was and that there was room for error. That’s what your twenties are for! Falling in love & f*cking up. But back to my point, that birthdate doesn’t mean anything as long as what you’re doing is legal. I just had to break a 15 year old’s heart for having a very obvious and borderline scary crush on me. “I was 10 when you were born. Don’t.” Was he cute? Yep. Did I think it was sweet? Sure. But that child couldn’t do anything for me. A slight age difference is fine. I was dating a 28 year old idiot who couldn’t think without the approval of others. I thought to myself at first “He’s 26 (at the time) he’s so mature. He does this, he does that. We’ll probably get married. He’ll be ready soon.” SHEEEEEIIIIIIIITTTTTT. What I got was an immature, selfish moron who didn’t know his limit with liquor and was publicly embarrassing to be out with. He didn’t know how to correctly hold his knife to cut into a steak and watched South Park like it was ESPN.

themed-cougar_2399338kBottom line, maybe you haven’t found happiness because you’re looking at birth certificates and not how this person makes you feel. And who doesn’t want to feel a little younger?

But the sex will be bad. Not true, I’ve taken a virginity before, lemme tell you how fun that was. LOL. Being able to teach someone everything you know? Let’s just say he has two kids right now and no complaints.

They’ll always want to do kiddy stuff. I would take six flags over dinner & a movie any day! I like fun, sorry, not sorry. It’s fine to go on “grown up” dates & do boring sophisticated sh*t like going to art galleries and wine tastings, but mix it up. Go paint balling, whatever. It’s not bad at all.

What will my parents think? He’s old enough to be my father! Hey as long as you don’t think about your father while he’s inside of you, so what? Maybe tell him you’re not going to put your hair in pig-tails and call him “daddy”.

An older woman will expect me to be ready to settle down right away. Or…OR…she could’ve been settled before you. Maybe she has a kid or kids, she’s been married and divorced. Maybe she’s just looking for a hot guy to have hot sex with. Nothing wrong there is it?

We won’t have anything in common. Why the hell not? And sometimes not having things in common is okay too, that way you can learn new things. Open your mind and your heart, you’ll be surprised what happens.

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