Women Are Crazy Pt.1; What We Lie About And Why

10475111_1519151851639789_845305309_nWomen lie to their friends, we lie to our boyfriends, we especially lie to our parents and we lie to ourselves. But ask any woman what are her top qualities she looks for in a man and I bet my last bundle of Brazilian hair that “trust worthy” and “honesty” are in that top 3. Hypocrites or nah?! I’ve made an effort to stop lying. I’m so honest with people that it hurts the both of us sometimes. And while I’ve made progress, every now and then I lie. And I’m a damn good liar. It’s not something to be proud of, it’s just something to be aware of. I guess it’s one of those “when I want to do it, I excel at it” kind of things. What a horrible thing to put your mind to and be great at. Lying. SMH.

Lie #1: We lie about how we feel towards our ex/sh*tty current boyfriend

I’m the biggest offender of this act. I know my friends roll their eyes every single time I say “Nah, f*ck him. For real.” I even add a “this time” to that so they believe me a little bit more. But in my heart of hearts? I know damn well I don’t usually mean it. Well, it depends on the ex…Normally the better he was in bed, the higher of a chance he has to come back into my life. At least, I used to think this. Recent events have proven otherwise.

Lie #2: We lie about how we feel towards our friends’ boyfriends

Have you ever sat and listened to your friend go on and on and on about her man and all you can think is “He’s not even cute enough for this.” ? I have a particular friend who seems to love ugly men. To her, they’re “fine as hell” but every single one, I promise you, is ugly. And I always say “Ohhhhhh he IS cute! Good for you!” And I never mean it. I wait until they break up and say “I didn’t think he was cute anyways.”

Sometimes lying about how you feel towards your friend’s man is crucial to keeping your friendship. If she’s in love with a douchbag, you can’t really point that out all the time because that’s the man she loves. It’ll hurt her feelings. So when she calls you to rant about what a sh*tty guy he is on Tuesday, don’t remind her on Thursday; once they’ve kissed & made up. She’ll almost always defend him and then will feel funny towards you.

Lie #3: We lie about our weight

I know girls bigger than me, who will swear to you up and down that they’re a 7. I’m gonna tell you right now, I’m an 11 and depending on the jean, sometimes a 13. I have thick thighs and a big butt. I was a 9 in high school and while it’s a goal size, I’m not going to lie about it. When we gain weight, we blame it on the clothes. We blame it on our relationships. We blame our period. You never hear a girl say “God, I’ve really let myself go. All those nights of netflix and cookies have caught up with me.”

Lie #4: We lie about how big you are. To you and to our friends

Size really doesn’t matter but no guy wants to hear “No, your d*ck isn’t big but it still feels good.” Even if they say themselves that they’re not big, they don’t want to hear us say it. So we lie. We tell them they’re the best, we gasp and moan when they enter us even if we can’t really feel it. We fake orgasms for their feelings. And when we rehash the night before to our friends, we leave out the fact that we had to masturbate with our 10″ vibrator as soon as he left.

Lie #5: We lie to our bosses

“Can you come in earlier and stay later?” Sure. “We can’t afford to give you a raise right now, ok?” Okay. “Can you operate a forklift? Because if not, you can’t work here.” Yep! We don’t like to disappoint our bosses. So when they ask us to do things that we have issues with, especially male bosses, we feel inclined to please them. We don’t want to look like we’re not as competent as our male co-workers and we never want to sound like we’re complaining. For whatever reason, women are less inclined to challenge pay and ask for raises. Men demand their money and won’t budge a penny less.

Lie #6: We lie to your parents

“Your son is amazing!” When we really want to say “B*tch you should be ashamed of the caveman you raised! What’s wrong with you?!” We’ll never tell your mother that you aren’t sh*t. Not if we respect and care for you. The women who do, don’t give a sh*t about you or the future you two could have. A woman who wants to be your wife, will tell your mother that she loves her curtains, her meatloaf and her son. No matter how ugly, dry or sh*tty they are.

Lie #7: We lie to our children

The Easter Bunny. The tooth fairy. Santa Claus. We tell them all the horrible things that probably won’t happen if they don’t listen. Almost everything results in them breaking their neck or something horrific. We hide vegetables in their food, and we trick them with bubble gum flavored medicine. They hate us for it but later on, they’ll realize it was for their own good.

Lie #8: We lie to sales people

We tell pushy salesman that we already have that service. We say we got this full priced jacket from the 40% off rack. We say the store down the street has this product for cheaper. All of that.

Lie #9: We lie to our doctors

We tell our doctor that we use protection every time. We say we’ve never missed a birth control pill. We say we don’t drink or smoke. We tell them that we perform our own breast exams in the shower with our hands up. We tell them that we take vitamins, work out 3-4 days a week and drink 6-8 glasses of water a day and sleep 8 hours every night.

Lie #10: We lie and say that we don’t lie.

And we can make ourselves cry to further prove our innocence. Trust me.