The Most Important Quality In Any Relationship

I’m not a #RelationshipGoals kind of girl only because you just never really know what people go through in their own home. But, if there’s one black celebrity couple I absolutely love, its DWade & Gabby. Maybe I identify better with them because of the copious amounts of melanin they each possess, idk but I love their glow. Looking at them on camera, whether its 100% real all the time or not, gives me serious envy. They have what a lot of relationships lack.

A great photographer.

Just kidding, they have chemistry.

That intense shit. The kind of chemistry you could probably physically feel if you were in a room with them. Its the kind of vibe, every relationship needs to be sustainable. You cannot make a sandwich with bread alone, you need the meat and cheese. I’ve tried to date guys I had 0 chemistry with and it never lasted past a few months. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s vital in a relationship. I need to be able to feel my man walk into a room and I start throbbing just at the sight of him. Once you get married, have kids, and actually go through shit; the lust fades but the chemistry is what keeps it together. Couples who say sex stops after marriage and a baby, are couples who didn’t have much chemistry to begin with.

Type #1: Tear-each-other’s-clothes-off chemistry
This is the most common type of chemistry, but it’s also the most misunderstood. After all, pretty much everyone’s made the mistake of confusing physical attraction with love. Is there a way to differentiate one feeling from the other? Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love, explains it this way: “Lust is basically the craving for sexual gratification,” she says. “It generally dissipates after having sex and returns hours or days later. You can feel it for several different people at the same time, and you don’t necessarily feel ‘possessive’ or jealous. But when you’re in love, you are very possessive.”

No one is saying sexual chemistry is evil or that you should necessarily hold out for something deeper. Nor should you fret if you feel like great sex is all you have in common with someone at first. According to Dr. Fisher, having sex with someone can trigger a peak in the feel-good chemical dopamine, which, over time, can produce genuine, bonafide feelings of love. Hang in there, and it just may happen!

I dated a guy recently that I never wanted to pounce on. Even when we argued, and usually arguments turn me on lol. But our sex life was very boring and stale, and it’s not supposed to be that way, especially starting out. Sex should not be the glue that holds your relationship together but it feels good just knowing “my man/woman puts that shit DOWN!” You’ll be grinning to yourself all day, thinking about getting home to them. 

Type #2: We’re-so-comfortable chemistry
Have you ever been with a guy who finishes your sentences, or a woman who’s so easy to talk to, you feel like you can be totally natural around her? Welcome to comfort chemistry—that effortless rapport and connection that can exist between two people. “People who share this chemistry often feel like they’re a unit,” says Harry Reis, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “When they talk to each other, they almost feel like they’re talking to themselves.” Worried that all this familiarity makes you better friends than lovers? Never fear, simpatico feelings can often lead to lust later. “When you fall in love, the elevated activity of dopamine can affect levels of testosterone and trigger a heightened sex drive,” explains Fisher. Translation: You two may be passionate partners in no time!

You have to date someone you genuinely like also. I’m not saying go fuck your friend, but your girlfriend or boyfriend should also be your friend over time. When you have a friendship and you’re comfortable (not lazy) you will talk to each other differently. You’ll share secrets and inside jokes between the two of you. 

Type #3: We-laugh-like-crazy-together chemistry
Ask someone to give you a wish list of what they look for in a mate, and humor almost always appears near the top of the list. “Everybody likes to laugh,” says Kate Wachs, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Relationships for Dummies. “We’re all looking for a mate that helps us have fun.” Researchers have even found that laughing together increases how attractive people look to each other. So, don’t automatically relegate jokers to the role of “great to invite to a party.” Where there’s laughter, long-term love can follow: Just think how much easier it’ll be to get through those rocky points that every relationship experiences sooner or later.

I’m a pretty funny person, like this is a pretty known and proven fact. I’m not one of those people who are hard to make laugh, in fact I’m so goofy I almost laugh at anything. But if you’re not funny, or fun, I can’t carry us kid. I can’t be the funny one, make me laugh too. 

Type #4: We’re-so-complementary chemistry
While it’s important for us to find a mate who shares our values, we’re also attracted to those who are different from us. “We like complementary personalities who accentuate our good parts and mask our flaws,” says Dr. Fisher. For example, a sexy fashion model might have real chemistry with a nerdy mathematician—and vice versa. Why? She makes him feel sexy, and he makes her feel smart. Same goes for the anti-social type who marries a people person. We’re drawn to those who make us feel like better and more well-rounded people. Remember the famous line in Jerry Maguire: “You complete me?” That’s complementary chemistry in action.

I don’t believe someone completes you, I believe they compliment you. You have to bring out different qualities within each other, simply by being together. There has to be a balance because dating someone completely identical to you would be boring and your mate is supposed to make you better. You can’t grow if you’re just alike. 

Type #5: We-have-so-much-in-common chemistry
As anyone who has ever searched profiles on Match.com knows, finding common interests with your potential mate is a huge plus—whether that’s a penchant to cruise flea markets for that one-of-a-kind antique, or a love of camping deep in the wilderness. “We tend to gravitate towards people who share the similar interests as us,” Dr. Fisher says. Not only does doing so make spending time together insanely easy, but sharing an activity you both enjoy allows you to get to know each other in a low-pressure environment. Plus, just think of what a bonding experience it would be if you both scaled those waterfalls at Yosemite together! These touchstones can become the foundation for a lot of fond memories—and a solid relationship.

It’s been said the opposites attract, which can be true but in the long run; you’ve gotta have some things in common. If I love something that you hate, and there’s no compromise on either part; it won’t work. You should share similar interests in something, doesn’t have to be everything.

Could you date/marry someone you had 0 chemistry with? 

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