How I Knew I Was Settling

On Friday, my (now ex) boyfriend walked out without saying “bye” “Have a nice day” or anything to me and I called him and launched a full blown “you know what the fuck your problem is?!” argument. I didn’t really give a shit that he hadn’t’t kissed me goodbye because for the past few weeks, he disgusted me. I didn’t want him to touch me, I looked at him with disdain when he wasn’t paying attention, I stopped being attracted to everything about him, his haircut was trash and even his breath had started to smell like something had died inside of him. But something had died inside of me; my feelings for him. So I didn’t even WANT a goodbye or a kiss, it was the principle and another reminder that I needed to leave this relationship.

In the beginning, I was excited to talk to him. I anticipated seeing him. I kissed him like I was a 14-year old horny virgin. I was proud that he was mine. This was my baby! He had a gotdamn ringtone AND emojis by his name. Somewhere along the line, I realized this was not the man I could marry, have a family with, fall in love with. He was too closed minded, too cynical, he had horrible eating habits and didn’t care about his health, he couldn’t dress, he didn’t plan dates, he didn’t call me babe or baby-always “Jam”, his jokes weren’t funny, there were different things I began to notice as the months went on, and things I could no longer just roll with. We stopped talking, our conversations were very mundane and redundant. I stopped cooking!! And I love to cook, but I had begun to hate this nigga and he obviously loved fast food so I gave up. We would be in the house, in separate rooms, doing our own thing. Which is cool, but not all the time. We started sleeping with our backs to each other, I stopped reaching for him to wrap around me in the middle of the night. I realized I was walking on eggshells because we seemed to fight about everything. But I stayed, and I tried. Because I thought it was a phase, and because he was a sure thing.

I knew he wasn’t cheating on me and I could trust him, and after my previous disaster of a relationship; this was a big deal to me. We even prayed together and he took me to church, at first I loved that but as time went on; I resented him for it. I’ll explain. If I was against something he did or said and spoke out, he would say “I prayed about this last night and this is confirmation.” rather than acknowledging the problem and coming to a resolution. If I said I needed affection and attention (both things he was horrible at but promised to try on) he would say “God needs to be your source for love and affection and all that.” MOTHERFUCKER WHEN I COME HOME AFTER A 12-HR SHIFT AND WANT A HUG, AM I SUPPOSED TO PRAY FOR ONE? It drove me crazy and I realized he was a Jesus freak who would use God as his crutch/excuse rather than be accountable for his actions like a grown man. He was afraid of change and proud of the fact that he was “numb” and could count how many times he’d shown true emotion.

I would make excuses for him in my head, and tell myself he didn’t know any better and he did love me. But everyday, I would cry in the bathtub or shower because I was dying on the inside. I realized I would never get what I needed from him, emotionally (or physically- but that’s another post) and that I would have to go. So I did. I had just met his mother the week before and she loved me, and it was weird. I realized then that his mom had been more excited to see me than her own son had ever been. And I enjoyed his family, more than I had enjoyed him. And I knew it would never work. I felt like I had to dumb myself down or conform to his way of thinking, do things his way, go to his church, do things he suggested, or else it would cause an issue. And no relationship should feel like that. I was miserable, I started being envious of other people’s relationships and realizing all the things mine was lacking.

Life is too short for me to settle, in anything. I feel more free now than I have in months. I’ve slept better in the past few days than I have in months. I cooked this morning, and woke up in my own bed in my own place. I’ve smiled more than I have recently and I’m so glad it was only 4 months and not 4 years. I learned a lot about myself, and what I need/deserve and I hope someone reading this does the same.

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4 Comments

  1. Love this Jam! Beautiful self-reflection of your own personal needs and what happiness looks like to YOU and not someone else’s definition of happiness!

  2. I’m proud of you! You’ve been through too much to ever settle. And you deserve so much more than you’ve given yourself in the past. Glad you’re smiling again ❤

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