In chick flicks, we’re taught that closure is a great thing. It’s healthy, it’s necessary to move on. And while it can be, most of the time; it is the complete opposite. How many times have you sent/received a “come get your shit” text and ended up worse than before you sought this so-called closure? You either end up arguing all over again and saying even more hurtful things, or you end up having amazing makeup sex. Either way, it’s trash.
In theory, closure is supposed to provide us with a breakup cure-all. If we know what exactly went wrong and what we can improve upon, then we can close the door on that past relationship/hookup/whatever and MOVE ON. Isn’t that all we want after a breakup? To get over it and move on? To leave the baggage of the past behind us and move forward? Closure is this concept we can’t see or feel, but we base our entire breakup recovery on it. You theorize in your head a million different reasons why that person just didn’t want to be with you or why it just didn’t work out.
You don’t need a final goodbye to move on with your life. What is it supposed to prove? That I can sit across from you at Starbucks in the middle of the day, and not break down in tears? I cried on the way here and had anxiety so bad in traffic, I almost threw up. But I’m supposed to be here, and we’re supposed to mutually agree to walk away from one another, because that’s the only way either of us will grow right? Sarcasm. I’m fluent in it. I used to seek closure after a breakup but all that happened was he looked way too damn good and I remembered what I was attracted to in the first place. My exes and I have always slept together or full-on gotten back in a relationship after one of us attempted “closure”.
So when is it okay? I can’t speak for you, I can only say time heals all wounds. This week for whatever reason, I was inclined to say something great to all of my recent exes. I messaged one on Facebook, I texted the other one, and I agreed to even see another one. Idk what the fuck is going on, Mercury is probably doing some weird shit again, who knows. But I’m also realistic enough to recognize, I’ve dated some amazing guys and most of the shit we went through; I either caused or allowed. It wasn’t all their fault. So this closure FOR ME, is to make amends with them and be friends. I don’t like for anyone to think they’re a horrible person, and you never know what relationship will be the one that makes someone say “never again. Fuck love.” I don’t want any of my exes to take what I said in anger, and feel like they don’t deserve love or a great woman. That woman just may not be me. And then again, maybe my husband is a man I’ve dated already and we both had to learn something the hard way first. I don’t know! I’m not here to know.
On the flip side, I don’t believe in it. I believe when you’re truly done with someone and no longer wish to have them in your lives; that’s all you need. You can forgive someone and completely not fuck with them. Forgiveness is for YOUR peace of mind, not theirs. (in my case, I feel responsible so I’m doing this for both) But don’t feel obligated to hash out what went wrong in your relationship or try to be friends. If you can, cool. If you can’t or it’s not something you deem necessary; to hell with it. There are some people who were so awful, they don’t deserve an olive branch. But if you had a decent relationship and like this person, you can by all means pursue a post-relationship friendship. It’s perfectly natural, and not everyone is meant to be your forever. Some relationships are necessary for growth and that’s it; take your lesson and go. If you genuinely feel like you NEED closure, then by all means, go get it. I understand how it must feel to not really know what went wrong, and therefore feel lost moving forward with a new relationship. But if you paid attention when they were telling you what was wrong, you can pinpoint exactly what went wrong and where you guys fell apart. You don’t need to sit across from your ex 3 months later and have awkward conversation that might bring up old feelings.
I’m not a woman arrogant enough to say I’ve never broken anyone’s heart and the guys who aren’t with me, it’s all their fault. I’ve had the opportunity to love and be loved by some amazing men…most of them I’m still friends with. It’s not a loss if you learned something and got to experience love. Sometimes I focus on the negative aspects of our relationship, for reference points or moments of weakness but all in all; they were good Men. Even in their faults. Hell, I probably made just as many mistakes as I pointed out in them. But I spend a lot of time focused on the bad. I appreciate the men who loved me when I didn’t know how to love myself. Thank you.